"Ham-Let" For President
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WHEN PIGS FLY, THEY...

  • Lose their sooeycases
  • Go through mudal detectors for sowcureity
  • Take a shoat nap on the flight
  • Chews an airloin with cheap fares, like Pan Ham
  • Hope for swill weather with no turbulinks
  • Barrow a sowtcase from Mudder and Fodder
  • Eat unsowvory airloin food
  • Hold hams with each other during takehoof
  • Hope for a strong pigtail wind
  • Pork their automosqueal in the overnight lot
  • Root and holler when the plane lands safely


1. What rolls in the mud and delivers pretty baskets?
- The Easter Piggy.

2. What do you call a laundromat for pigs?
- The Hogwash!

3. Why did the three little pigs fall asleep every time Grandpa told stories?
- Because he was a boar.

4. How did the farmer know the fox was stealing eggs?
- The pig squealed on him.

5. Why doesn't anyone want to play on Peg Pig's football team?
- Because she hogs the ball!

6. What is Peter Pig's favorite position on his baseball team?
- Shortslop.

7. What did the sow put on her piglet's sore snout?
- Oinkment.

8. What do piglets do after school?
- Hamwork!

9. What did Farmer Joe give Farmer Jill for her birthday?
- Hogs and kisses!

10. What kind of party were Mr and Mrs Pig invited to?
- A swine and cheese party.

11. What did the pig say when the mean old farmer grabbed him by the tail?
- This is the end of me!

12. What western movie did Paul Neuman and Robert Redford star in?
- Butch Cassidy and the Sunflower Pig.

13. What is Confucious' favorite meal?
- Moo-sho pork.

14. Who is the Federal Reserve Director?
- Allen Green Spam.

15. Where did Humphery Bogart and Lauren Bacall go to?
- Key Lardo.

16. What do you call an over anxious television reporter?
- Media hog!

17. What do you call a pig who competes in the Olympics?
- An Olym-pig.

18. What was the name of the popular medical television show?
- Porkus Welby, MD

19. What do you get when you cross an actor with a pig?
- A Real Ham.

20. Where do hogs eat in the park?
- At Pig-Nic Tables.

21. When is a vet busiest?
- When it rains cats & dogs.

22. What is a pig's favorite card game?
- Porker, of course!

23. You know what a pig says when the pumpkins begin to appear?
- Hay there, Gourd-geous!

24. What do you get when you cross a pig with a cactus?
- A PorkerPine.

25. What President was pig?
- AbraHam Lincoln

26. What does a pig drink with fish?
- Sparkling White Swine.

27. What is a pigs favorite holiday in October?
- Hoggy Walloween.

28. What do you call a pig that does karate?
- A Pork Chop.

30. Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
- He took them to a Pignic.

What do you call a pig with three eyes? ...A piiig

A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled. "There's a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"

A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.

All our pigs are learning karate. Oh, I don't believe that No? Well, just watch out for their chops.

Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop? He called it "Ham Hocks".

Did you hear about the pig who tried to start a hot-air balloon business? He couldn't get it off the ground.

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for mother's day? What did they do? They threw a sowprize party.

Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans.

Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.

Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage In November? She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.

Did you hear the story about the razorback hog? It's pretty dull.

Do pigs like Backgammon? No, they prefer their backs scratched.

Doctor, doctor, I've got a little sty. Then you'd better buy a little pig.

FARMER: Who raided my vegetable patch? PIGLET: Beets me!

FIRST PIGLET: How do you know your boyfriend loves you? SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.

Have you heard about the pig who took up disco dancing? He liked to swing his weight around.

How can you recognize a Gnome Pig? They're the ones with the little red hats.

How can you tell the pig is a failure as Easter bunny? By the egg on its face.

How did the little pig win at Monopoly? He built hotels on Pork Place.

How do you fit more pigs on your farm? Build a sty-scraper!

How do you get your pigs to sleep at night? No problem. Everyone here goes to bed with the chickens. You must have a very large chicken house.

How do you take a pig to hospital? By hambulance!

How does a mama pig put her piglets to sleep? She reads them pig tales.

How does a pig write home? With a pig pen.

I told you not to let those pigs In my office. Now, look what's happened. They've eaten all the dates off my calendar!

If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party, what is a pig the symbol of? Any party where there's lots of food.

If you drop this book in a pig pen, what should you do? Take the words out of their mouths.

Is it true the pigs went over Niagara Falls in a barrel? No, that story's just a lot of hogwash.

Is lunch the favorite subject of piglets? No, it's theatre. They love to ham It up and hog all the attention.

Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead. It's called a garbage compactor.

MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today? FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink! SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink! THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof! MOTHER PIG: What? THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.

Name the pig's favorite Shakespeare play. Hamlet.

Pigs don't look very smart to me. Sure, they are. You ever see a sow try to make a silk purse out of a farmer's ear?

Pig's explanation for the creation of the Universe: The Pig Bang Theory.

SOW: Would you like a nice cake with three candles for your party? PIGLET: I'd rather have three cakes and one candle.

Sports fad invented by pigs: Mud wrestling.

The hog was a failure as a TV talk show host. What happened? He turned out to be a big boar.

The kids are crazy about a new piglet toy. When they wind it up, it eats all the spinach off their plates.

Two pigs robbed a bank. Why were they caught so quickly? They squealed on each other.

What did the fat pig say when the farmer dumped corn mash into the trough? "I'm afraid that's all going to waist."

What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet? "Behave or Frankenswine will get you."

What did the mama pig say when junior pig bought a basket of wormy apples? "Don't tell the farmer. He might charge us extra."

What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough? He ate it quickly, before the others could ask him to share.

What did the pig say when his brother rolled on him? "Heavy!"

What did the pig say when it found a fly in its soup? "Yum Yum."

What did the pig say when the wolf grabbed her tail? "That's the end of me!"

What do hip pigs call their ladies? Fine swine.

What do little piglets do on a Saturday night? Have a pigjama party!

What do little pigs want to be when they grow up? Garbage collectors.

What do piggys take when they are sick? Pigicillin!

What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.

What do pigs drive? Pig-up trucks!

What do pigs like with chow mein? Sooey sauce.

What do you call a crafty pig? CunningHam

What do you call a lady pig planting seeds? A sow sow.

What do you call a pig in a steel foundry? A pig pig.

What do you call a pig that took a plane? Swine flu!

What do you call a pig thief? A hamburglar!

What do you call a pig who overacts? A ham ham.

What do you call a pig with good table manners? Sick.

What do you call a pig with no clothes on? Streaky bacon!

What do you call a pig with no legs? A groundhog!

What do you call a pig with the flu? A swine swine.

What do you call an oversize motorcycle for pigs? A hog hog.

What do you call pigs in a demolition derby? Crashing boars.

What do you call the story of The Three Little Pigs? A pig tail!

What do you do for a pig with sore muscles? Rub him with oinkment.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a canary? I don't know, but when it sits on your electric wire and sings, all your lights go out

What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant? A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.

What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!

What do you say to a naked pig? "I never sausage a body."

What does a pig use to write his term papers with? Pen and Oink!

What goes "knio, knio?" A backward pig.

What instrument do piggys play in a band? Pigcussion!

What is a pigs favourite ballet? Swine Lake!

What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"? Pork Chop!

What is the pig's favorite musical instrument? The piggalo (piccalo).

What kind of bread do pig ladles make in the Yukon? Sow-r dough bread.

What kind of furniture do pigs like best? Overstuffed.

What kind of pig do sows dislike? Male Chauvinist Pigs.

What position does the pig play in football? Loinback.

What should you say to a pig on roller skates? Don't say anything. Just get out of the way.

What soft drink do pigs like best? Root beer.

What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Lang Swine.

What was the name of the hog who was knighted by King Arthur? Sir Lunchalot.

What world athletic sporting event is held every four years? The Olympigs!

What would a pig name a chain of food stores? "Stop "N Slop Markets"

What would happen if pigs went on strike? They'd form pigget lines.

What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up!

What's that pig doing in the middle of the road with a red light on its head? Didn't you tell me to put out a stop swine?

When is a pig an ecologist? When he recycles garbage into ham.

When pigs get a toothache, who do they see?' Painless Porker.

When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake? Nobody. The pigs all jump in.

Where did the piglets study their ABC's? At a school for higher loining.

Where do bad pigs go? They get sent to the pen.

Where do retired pigs go for warm weather? The tropigs!

Where does a woodsman keep his pigs? In his hog cabin!

Where is the most open green space in New York City? Central Pork

Which of these jokes do the pigs like best? The corniest ones.

Who is the greatest painter of this century? Pigcasso!

Who sends flowers on Valentines Day? Cupigs!

Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever try to shut off a rooster?

Why are pigs such great football fans? They're always rooting.

Why are there so many piggy banks? Pigs don't like to hide their money in the mattress.

Why can't there be a Santa Pig? Pigs don't fit in chimneys.

Why couldn't the pig pay his bill? He was a little shoat.

Why do pigs have flat snouts? From running in to trees.

Why did the big pig want to go on stage? There was a lot of ham in him.

Why did the little pig hide the soap? He heard the farmer yell, "Hogwash!"

Why did the little pig try to join the Navy? He loved to sing, "Oinkers Aweight"

Why did the little piglet fall in love with the hog? Because he was such a sloppy dresser.

Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine!

Why did the pig join a muscle-building class? He thought "pumping iron" was a new juice dispenser.

Why did the pig join the Army? He heard the food was a mess.

Why did the pig run away from the pig sty? He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.

Why did the pig wear yellow coveralls? He split a seam in his blue ones.

Why did the piglets do badly in school? They were all slow loiners.

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their biology class? They ate all the specimens.

Why did the piglets get in trouble in their stained glass class? They stained it with mud.

Why did the pigs paint their hoofs green? It was Saint Patrick's Day.

Why did the spotted pigs run away? They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine.

Why didn't the Blonic Pig get a TV series of his own? He made the mistake of going to a barbecue with the Bionic Man and the Blonic Woman.

Why didn't the piglets listen to the teacher pig? Because he was an old boar.

Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their feed trough? They were saving the best for last.

Why do pigs like February 14th? They get lots of Valenswines.

Why do pigs love Halloween? There's lots of hogsgobblin.

Why do pigs run into trees? To shake out the alligators. I've never seen an alligator In a tree. That's because the pigs do such a good job.

Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig? Pigs don't have red noses.

Why is a pig in a water trough like a penny? Because its head is on one side and its tail is on the other.

Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors? Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues.

Why is the cook worried about catching his runaway pig? He knows a little ham goes a long way.

Why is your dad chasing those pigs through the garden? We're raising mashed potatoes.

Why isn't there a Superpig? It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team? Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

Why won't pigs take up jogging? They don't like to get that far from the table.

Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She's afraid they'll bring down the house.

Why wouldn't the bird let her chicks go near the pig pen? She didn't want the pigs eating shredded tweet.

Why wouldn't the piglet's mother let her read romantic novels? She was afraid her daughter would run away with a wolf.

Why wouldn't the sow let her piglets play with toads? She didn't want them to grow into wart hogs.

What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough? "Mmm. Canapes."

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? PigPockets.

Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized his story? Because they called it garbage.

Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.

What famous pig actor made a movie about Frankenswine? Boaris Karloff.

What did the pig call a manuscript? A shoat story.

What do you get if you cross pigs with a lot of grapes ? A swine gut!

What kind of tie does a pig wear? Pig's tie!

Why do pigs never recover from illness? Because you have to kill them before you cure them!

What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat? A crashing bore.

The teacher was furious with her son. "Just because you've been put in my class, there's no need to think you can take liberties. You're a pig." The boy said nothing. "Well! Do you know what a pig is?" "Yes, Mom," said the boy. "The offspring of a swine."

Who do they get for Babe the pig's dangerous movie scenes? A stunt ham.

Famous Pig Stars:
Ham Solo
Amy Swinehouse
Piggie Smalls (The Notorious P.I.G.)
Bā-khan Noonien Singh (come on, imagine Shatner yelling out "BĀ-KHAN!!!")
Stephen ColBoar (or should that be spelled with a silent t?)
Hammah Montana
Pigmund Freud
Porker Wagoner
Hogust Wilson
Isaac, Taylor, and Zac Hamson
Hamuel Adams
Humphrey Boargart
Boar Diddley, Boar Derek and Little Boar Peep
Donnie Porko
Britney Spareribs
Arnold Schwarzenpigger
Hamma Montana


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